Monday, July 11, 2011

Why I Love the Beach

I love going to the beach. Living on an island, I have had the pleasure of being able to swim in the ocean since I was born. I do not take this for granted and in the summer months, I try to go to the beach as much as possible. However, besides the swimming, there is another reason why I love beachin’ it so much. And that is the people watching. The beach brings out the unusual in people. Here are some things I have noticed:

Fat people in bikinis
 I’m all for having self esteem. Really..I am. But there is such a thing as taking self esteem to a whole new level. And that is when overweight people wear bikinis. There are plenty of other bathing suit options that will make the general public cringe when you walk their way. Prime example:

Nobody wants to see that. 

Black lady eating fried chicken
There are some foods that are beach staples. Bagels, chips, sandwiches, etc. I usually try to avoid hot foods because well…I’m already sweating and a hot pastrami sammich does not sound appealing to me. However, one glorious day I awake from my slumber to look over and see a lady pummeling fried chicken into her mouth fistfuls at a time. Just watching her made me feel ten times hotter and I needed to jump in the water.
This isn't the actual lady I saw. But close enough.
Men in tiny speedos
I understand that it’s all the rage in Europe for men to wear teeny, tiny Speedos. I’m not saying it’s pleasant to the eyes, but it is what it is. But here in America, we have these things called swim trunks. Not only do they cover all your junk, they provide some modesty for those who don’t want their hairy crotches to be seen by the world. 

Kids pooping in the water
The bathrooms at beaches are gross. They smell, are filled with sand, and are completely nasty. So I don’t really frown upon people peeing in the ocean. It might sound gross but well…when the urge hits you and you know there’s no way your gunna make it 20 miles to the bathroom…the water is probably the best place to let it fly. But having witnessed a little kid pooping in the water…it made me wonder if their parents took it a little too far.
You can just tell that kid is dying to poop.

Making out on the towel
I never liked going to the beach with a significant other. I like to lay there and tan and sweat and do my own thing. The thought of another body hovering around me and wanting to touch..not for me. But obviously some couples love to take their passion to the beach and that is when I witness the inevitable “towel make out.” Is it necessary to be cuddling on the beach in 93 degree weather? I didn’t think so

Saggy tattooed bodies
Tattoos are all the rage right now. It seems as if almost everyone on earth has at least one and loves to show them off. Which is all good and fine. Except when you see the 75 year old man with saggy skin and faded tattoos that all are congealed into one. Or the lady who had a rose tattooed on her boob when they were perky and they now sag to her bellybutton and the rose is more of a long stem that leads to nowhere. Gross.
Sweet someone's grandpa has nipple rings!

People fully clothed on the beach
Beaches are notorious for getting hot. Some would even say that was their whole purpose. So understand my confusion when I see guys who go to the beach in Timbalands, black jeans, and sweatshirts. Why bother?

Boogie Board Knock Downs
Everyone who has been in the water at a beach has had the experience of being knocked over. Some have more traumatic stories while others may have just simply fallen. I use to play a game with my friends while we were boogie boarding. You would spot a group of people and try to knock them down while taking a wave in. There was a point system associated with this game. I once got a whole Asian family. Most moral thing I’ve ever done? Not quite. Hilarious? Absolutely. 
Me on my board

Parents not watching their kids
I can’t count how many times I have seen kids run or fall in the water and their respective parent are nowhere to be seen. This makes me angry for more than one reason. The water is dangerous for full grown adults nevermind defenseless little tykes. Also, it is not the responsibility of a stranger to make sure your child doesn’t’;t drown. Just because there is a lifeguard on duty doesn’t mean they can see every single person. Watch your fucking kids!

People selling shit on the beach
I’m not talking about walking to the concession stand and seeing beach gear for sale. I’m talking about the gypsies that walk towel to towel in hopes of selling you a one of a kind shit rock necklace. Or better yet, the hobo that was selling sweatpants on a beach. In 90 degree weather. Leave me alone and make way for the guy whose selling ice cream bars. He’s really who I want to see!

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