Why Summer Kicks Winter's Ass

It has been shitty outside now for approximately 4 days. The weather forecast predicts that this will last until next Sunday. A full 10 days of shit weather when we are supposed to be welcoming spring and flip flops. Since this weather is making me depressed, I tried to think of a fun blog post so maybe I can pretend good weather is headed my way. Here are my top 10 favorite things about the summer:

Clothing/Footwear

You get to wear less of it and still look cute. Footwear consists of flip flops so your feet can breathe all summer. Shorts, tanks and bikinis round out your summer apparel. Summer clothes are cheap and colorful. They shave ten minutes off getting ready and always look nicer than a bulky sweater and long pants.

 

Beach 

 

The perfect way to spend a weekend. Whether it be tanning or swimming the beach is where you'll find all the fun. Just not when your packed in between two huge Spanish famalies who blast their stupid music and let their babies wander into the ocean in their diapers. Driving on the beach…away from others…is really my thing.

Food

What I live for. Burgers, hot dogs, corn on the cob, potato salad, fresh fruit, beans..I could go on forever.

Backyard BBQs

 

Nothing makes a Saturday night more fun than a random BBQ.

Badmitton & Volleyball

I’m not at all athletic. But these two sports I will play and might even get competitive at. More so when I’ve had a couple of backyard drinks

Fire Pits

At every BBQ there is the super drunk guy who insists on being man of the wild and starting a fire. I like this guy because that means I can make smores. Which is the only thing fire pits should be used for.

Activities

 

There is always something going on in the summer. Water parks are open, there are craft fairs and festivals every weekend or just hanging out in the backyard.

Sun

It is a known fact that the sun  makes you feel better.Plus everyone looks better with a tan. Who doesn't love the summer's first sunburn?

Vacations

 

 I rarely see one of these but it’s the ideal time for a road trip

Fruity Drinks

Hel-lo fruity cocktails that put me on my ass. Nothings better than going to a bar that's open in the back so I can enjoy my cocktail while lounging in the sun....

The Ice Cream Truck

Sure 85% of them are pedophiles. Doesn't stop me from flaggin them down and buying my Choco Taco which is now $3.50 (ludacris!)

All this thinking about summer is making me so excited. Until I heard the rain pelting the roof and I realize I am still in a long sleeved sweater and stuck at work

Amrica's Most Wanted Got Canceled!!!!

To my dismay, I saw today that one of my favorite shows America’s Most Wanted, hosted by the one and only John Walsh, has been canceled. Although it’s been a few years since I’ve been able to catch it on a Saturday night at 9pm, whenever I did I still loved it. The article stated that the show hasn’t been making money in years. But was the point of this show ever to make money? We’re not really talking about Glee or American Idol here. This show actually promoted a cause, helping get scumbags off the streets. I’m a little less perturbed since the article did state that America’s Most Wanted will still have quarterly shows and run in syndication. 

For now I guess I’ll have to be content with Dateline and Cops.

R.I.P. America’s Most Wanted

Why Road Rage Exists

 Driving home for my lunch break today, I was assaulted with horrible drivers. They were coming at me from every which way and none of them seemed to give a shit who was in the way. I’m not the most aggressive driver in the world and I would go so far as to say I am a nice person driver. I let people in, I put my signal on before I turn, I drive in the slower lanes. I am a CONSIDERATE driver. 

Some serious road rage

I have compiled my least favorite types of drivers. If any of these rings a bell and makes you think "Hey! I do that!" than feel free to dust off your fruit boots and start bladin!

Unnecessary Aggressive Drivers

All is quiet and tame as I’m driving 40mph down Lakeland Ave. NOBODY is in front of me, nor is anybody coming in the opposite direction. When all of a sudden I see a Ford Taurus put their pedal to the metal and pass my car only to have to slow down as another car was turning onto the street. This my friends..is being aggressive just to be aggressive. Technically I was going 10mph over the speed limit so this was not a case of being behind a grandma. The man probably thought he was impressing me going so fast in his Taurus. My guess is his mom called and he was late for dinner.

Annoyance Factor: 5

Cell Phone Talkers

I cannot say enough how much I hate when people drive and talk on their cell phones. Bluetooths are fine. But actually holding their cell phones up to their ear while handling the steering wheel with their free hand (sometimes their knee) is not acceptable. It’s always the dueshbag who cuts you off than waves at you as if to say thanks when you didn’t really have a choice. Or the teenage girl whose blabbing to her best friend about how much of a whore she is because she let Teddy get to second base last night then Oops! Sideswaiped an old woman. I fucking hate people driving and talking.

Annoyance Factor: 9

Cars that are plastered with stupid stickers

I hate those stupid stickers that have been cropping up everywhere that show how many people are in a family with stick figures. There’s daddy and mommy and little Susie and their dog Red. Nobody cares who is in your vehicle. This category also covers the people who plaster their rearview window with Jesus fish, band stickers, quirky sayings and those abbreviated black and white stickers. Like “The End” to show how cool you are that you went to Montauk. I don’t care where you like to go as long as it away from me.

Annoyance Factor: 4

POS Cars that are louder than McArthur Airport

Nothing says you need a better vehicle when your exhaust is trailing behind your car and it sounds like a tractor trailer is behind me. Imagine my surprise when it’s just a really shitty Honda that sounds like a space shuttle is taking off right next to me. If your car is louder than a helicopter don’t drive it.

Annoyance Factor: 5

 Texting While Driving

This gets it’s our category. It is hugely different from talking on the phone because texting for a lot of people is a two hand activity. Which leaves no hands for the wheels. Which either leaves the wheel untouched or for more “careful” drivers…it’s all up to the knees. Texting also takes their eyes away from the road so OOpsy! There goes Cindy’s beloved pet Fluffy. All because some asshole found a text too urgent to ignore.

Annoyance Factor: 8

Super Psyched Old Men Who Want to Race

Granted, this is kind of amusing. But after a long day at work the last thing I want is to be right next to a 78 year old geezer (and his 21 yr old daughter/wife..who knows) with him revving his engine so we can race. Yes I know you are in a nice red Mustang convertible. If you were 50 years younger I bet that would be a chick magnet. But my ’01 Elantra does not accelerate very fast therefore you are wasting your dragracing dreams on me. Fuck off.

Annoyance Factor: 3

Motorcycle Baffoons Who Weave All Over Traffic

Nothing…NOTHING..irks me more than when I’m sitting in traffic, jamming out to Hot 97 and a fucking badass motorcycle man is weaving in between cars. Ditto for when I’m actually moving and he is in SUCH  hurry that he thinks nothing of driving into the mere inchese between me and the guy in front of me. I should take a lesson from my Papa and open my car doors on them.

Annoyance Factor: 8

People Who Don’t Know How to Use a Blinker

I’m an avid fan of using my blinker. Why? So people know which way I am going and there are no surprises. It’s a common courtesy. You’re traveling 60mph behind me and I am turning right in the next 10 seconds and want you to know I will be slowing down. Therefore there is no horrible screeching of the brakes or the jolting to the left lane. All of that is avoided. However, many people do not share with me this sentiment. They either DO use their blinkers and NEVER turn them off so you think they are turning sometime soon and they aren’t. Or they ignore using them altogether and just turn left suddenly. And give you the finger. Assholes.

Annoyance Factor: 8

Teenagers with $100,000 cars who give you the “I’m the shit” look while blasting horrible rap in their straight rimmed Yankee hats

I have a good, reliable car. No one would say it was nice, hip, or tubular. But it gets me where I need to go and isn’t ass ugly. However, I did grow up in a town where children got their first Lexus when they turned 16. Then their second one four months later after they crashed it into the pole in front of the farm stand. Because that was just a given. I hate being stopped at a light and seeing one of these spoiled shits rapping along to Young Jeezy while simultaneously smoking a ciggie in their 2012 Beemer. Makes me wish I had a shittier car so I could cause a crash without feeling too bad about it.

Annoyance Factor: 7

Old people. All of them.

Last but not least, the thing that really toots my teather. Old people. ALL old people. If you are over 79 you need to give up your license and buy a motorized scooter. Or find a hot young thang and make them drive. Because you suck. You’re fucking slow, you put on the right signal when your turning left, you mis-diagnose green lights as red and it’s an overall horror show whenever I spot your Oldsmobile down the block.  You had kids for a reason and that is to make you drive everywhere when you are old. Consider it payback for all the times you had to drive their lame asses to little league and pick them up wasted and vomiting from  Todd’s 15^th birthday party.

Annoyance Factor: 10

Review: Usher’s “OMG” Tour

Venue: Nassau Coliseum

Date: Sunday, May 8, 2011

I have been a fan of Usher’s since “My Way” came out in 1997. He was just one of those artists that were always there either making music or starring in horrible 1999 rom coms. Anywho, when my friend said he was playing Nassau Coliseum and we should get tickets, I was all for it. I figured the show would be sold out but it wasn’t and we wound up with pretty good seats. Then I realized, oopsy it’s on Mother’s Day. Maybe that’s why it wasn’t sold out. 

I hadn’t been to a bonafide pop concert since seeing the Backstreet Boys in 1999…at Nassau Coliseum. So I had forgotten just how dressed up and crazy fans could be. Looking around the parking lot, I see girls in prom dresses and stilettos, skin tight mini skirts and cleavage enhancing tube tops. I’m not sure if they thought dressing that way meant Usher would notice them and invite them backstage. But trust me, some of those girls needed to wear a hell of a lot more clothing before they would attract the attention of a carnie much less Usher.

The show was slated to start at 7pm so we pre-gamed a little in the parking lot. We didn’t want to miss Akon so at exactly 7pm we made our way into the coliseum. Imagine my surprise when I see grandmas dressed up for church and newborn babies walking to the show. I guess I can understand why a woman over the age of 70 might enjoy Usher’s music but a newborn? Really? Do they have to buy a full price ticket for this child? And I doubt the fireworks and strobe lights are making them feel good much less the deafening music. Definitely not the place for a baby.

The show started right on time with a DJ on stage and some girl semi-singing along to some hip hop hits. I wasn’t sure if she was really singing and I found it all to be a bit odd. Singing along with already popular hits doesn’t make us want to buy your album.

About 25 minutes later, Akon graced the stage dressed in an all white get up. I’m tellin ya, black guys can wear all white like nobody’s business. He brought a lot of energy to the stage and was all over the place. Unfortunately, he could only perform snippets of most of his hits. Since many of his most popular songs (“Soul Survivor” ”Smack That” “I Wanna Love You”) feature other artists on the verses, Akon could only sing the choruses. Which wasn’t that bad but made every song about one minute long.

He started doing some African drumming which was interesting. His “hype” man was in a kilt which was a bit unusual. Akon ripped off his shirt as per usual. However, his abs weren’t in top form if you ask me. He kept referring to the audience as “New York City” which I didn’t like because we are a good half hour away from NYC. You’re actually on Long Island. Call us Long Island. 

Overall, I’d give Akon an A-. Great energy, sang all his hits, kept the crowd going and looked good doing it.

After a quick 15 or 20 minutes, the lights dimmed again and dancers started pouring out holding some weird sword like thing. Obviously they were a distraction because Usher was in the middle of the audience on a flying stage. He flew over the audience and landed on the stage. Since I was all the way on the side of the stage I could pretty much see everything going on backstage and on stage. 

Usher opened with some song I didn’t know then went straight into “Yeah!” I love that song and it got everyone on their feet. The theme of the night seemed to be a futuristic strip club. After “Yeah!” Usher didn’t follow up with another hit for a while. His dancing was awesome but he didn’t even pretend to be singing. He would ad lib some words but the back singers did most of the work.

There was good interaction with the crowd (he at least knew he was on Long Island) and a lot of set changes. Props kept being brought on stage and taken off. It was a little bit distracting but maybe that was just because I could see it so clearly. About an hour in, the concert hit a low point. He did 6 or 7 slow songs in a row (none of which I knew minus “Nice & Slow”) and it just seemed to be dragging. He ripped off about three wife beaters and although he has a great body it was getting a bit old. He did some mini skits with his gorgeous dancers that I didn’t really get. He announced he was going to pick an audience member to come on stage and since it was Mother’s Day, she had to be a mom. He did mention she had to be over 18 which was funny (since Akon got in trouble for dry humping a fan on stage and it turns out she was like 15). Well it took him like 20 minutes to decide and I was about ready to take a snooze.

Not the girl from the night I went

The girl he brought on stage didn’t look a day over 20 but claimed she had a 2 year old son. She seemed a little shy at first but then got super into it and was basically trying to have sexual relations with Usher on stage. It got a little uncomfortable at one point when he’s trying to sing to her and she was trying to make out with him. I was glad when that segment ended.

Ursher went back on his flying stage to sing “Let it Burn.” He actually sang and it sounded very good. I was glad he sang the whole song. My favorite part of the show was when he did a medley of all his old songs. I was a lil bummed that instead of performing the whole song; he chose to do a medley of them. Favorites like “I Need a Girl,” “Confessions Part II,” and “My Way” all were cut down to just choruses. 

At this point, the concert was starting to feel like a soft core porn. A weird jungle gym like prop was brought on stage for the dancers to climb on and hump. It seemed like they didn’t even have limbs they were so flexible. Usher started to sing a little bit more and dance a little less. There was no doubt he was a great singer when he chose to sing. He can hit some high notes!

At this point, he danced to a medley of Michael Jackson songs which got everyone moving. He started picking things up and did “Caught Up” “Love in this Club” “Bad Girl” and “DJs got us falling in love again.” After this he thanked the audience for supporting him. The show ended with with fireworks and of course his hit “OMG.”

Comments:

I felt there was a weird mixture in the audience. The section I sat in wasn’t very energetic and frowned upon me and my friends for dancing. 

A plus: Nassau Coliseum got new screens so everything was crystal clear.

This concert made me wish I caught him on his “Confessions” tour. Although he was energetic and definitely gave me my money’s worth, I felt it got way too slow in the middle of the show. He didn’t play “You Got it Bad” which is one of my favs. He cut short most of his hits except for the last three singles off his new album. His dancers were awesome and kept the energy up. He knew how to communicate with the audience although ripping your shirt off 3 times was a bit much. There were a lot of little kids there and I don’t think some of his set was very kid friendly. There was very few clothing on him and his dancers. When he picked a lady in the audience to get serenaded things got very sexual for a while. However, he did perform for almost 3 hours and it was entertaining. Definitely wasn’t a bad way to spend a Sunday.

 

Overall: B-/B