Friday, May 13, 2011

Why Road Rage Exists

 Driving home for my lunch break today, I was assaulted with horrible drivers. They were coming at me from every which way and none of them seemed to give a shit who was in the way. I’m not the most aggressive driver in the world and I would go so far as to say I am a nice person driver. I let people in, I put my signal on before I turn, I drive in the slower lanes. I am a CONSIDERATE driver. 

Some serious road rage
I have compiled my least favorite types of drivers. If any of these rings a bell and makes you think "Hey! I do that!" than feel free to dust off your fruit boots and start bladin!

Unnecessary Aggressive Drivers

All is quiet and tame as I’m driving 40mph down Lakeland Ave. NOBODY is in front of me, nor is anybody coming in the opposite direction. When all of a sudden I see a Ford Taurus put their pedal to the metal and pass my car only to have to slow down as another car was turning onto the street. This my being aggressive just to be aggressive. Technically I was going 10mph over the speed limit so this was not a case of being behind a grandma. The man probably thought he was impressing me going so fast in his Taurus. My guess is his mom called and he was late for dinner.
Annoyance Factor: 5

Cell Phone Talkers

I cannot say enough how much I hate when people drive and talk on their cell phones. Bluetooths are fine. But actually holding their cell phones up to their ear while handling the steering wheel with their free hand (sometimes their knee) is not acceptable. It’s always the dueshbag who cuts you off than waves at you as if to say thanks when you didn’t really have a choice. Or the teenage girl whose blabbing to her best friend about how much of a whore she is because she let Teddy get to second base last night then Oops! Sideswaiped an old woman. I fucking hate people driving and talking.
Annoyance Factor: 9

Cars that are plastered with stupid stickers

I hate those stupid stickers that have been cropping up everywhere that show how many people are in a family with stick figures. There’s daddy and mommy and little Susie and their dog Red. Nobody cares who is in your vehicle. This category also covers the people who plaster their rearview window with Jesus fish, band stickers, quirky sayings and those abbreviated black and white stickers. Like “The End” to show how cool you are that you went to Montauk. I don’t care where you like to go as long as it away from me.
Annoyance Factor: 4

POS Cars that are louder than McArthur Airport

Nothing says you need a better vehicle when your exhaust is trailing behind your car and it sounds like a tractor trailer is behind me. Imagine my surprise when it’s just a really shitty Honda that sounds like a space shuttle is taking off right next to me. If your car is louder than a helicopter don’t drive it.
Annoyance Factor: 5

 Texting While Driving

This gets it’s our category. It is hugely different from talking on the phone because texting for a lot of people is a two hand activity. Which leaves no hands for the wheels. Which either leaves the wheel untouched or for more “careful” drivers…it’s all up to the knees. Texting also takes their eyes away from the road so OOpsy! There goes Cindy’s beloved pet Fluffy. All because some asshole found a text too urgent to ignore.
Annoyance Factor: 8

Super Psyched Old Men Who Want to Race

Granted, this is kind of amusing. But after a long day at work the last thing I want is to be right next to a 78 year old geezer (and his 21 yr old daughter/wife..who knows) with him revving his engine so we can race. Yes I know you are in a nice red Mustang convertible. If you were 50 years younger I bet that would be a chick magnet. But my ’01 Elantra does not accelerate very fast therefore you are wasting your dragracing dreams on me. Fuck off.
Annoyance Factor: 3

Motorcycle Baffoons Who Weave All Over Traffic

Nothing…NOTHING..irks me more than when I’m sitting in traffic, jamming out to Hot 97 and a fucking badass motorcycle man is weaving in between cars. Ditto for when I’m actually moving and he is in SUCH  hurry that he thinks nothing of driving into the mere inchese between me and the guy in front of me. I should take a lesson from my Papa and open my car doors on them.
Annoyance Factor: 8

People Who Don’t Know How to Use a Blinker

I’m an avid fan of using my blinker. Why? So people know which way I am going and there are no surprises. It’s a common courtesy. You’re traveling 60mph behind me and I am turning right in the next 10 seconds and want you to know I will be slowing down. Therefore there is no horrible screeching of the brakes or the jolting to the left lane. All of that is avoided. However, many people do not share with me this sentiment. They either DO use their blinkers and NEVER turn them off so you think they are turning sometime soon and they aren’t. Or they ignore using them altogether and just turn left suddenly. And give you the finger. Assholes.
Annoyance Factor: 8

Teenagers with $100,000 cars who give you the “I’m the shit” look while blasting horrible rap in their straight rimmed Yankee hats

I have a good, reliable car. No one would say it was nice, hip, or tubular. But it gets me where I need to go and isn’t ass ugly. However, I did grow up in a town where children got their first Lexus when they turned 16. Then their second one four months later after they crashed it into the pole in front of the farm stand. Because that was just a given. I hate being stopped at a light and seeing one of these spoiled shits rapping along to Young Jeezy while simultaneously smoking a ciggie in their 2012 Beemer. Makes me wish I had a shittier car so I could cause a crash without feeling too bad about it.
Annoyance Factor: 7

Old people. All of them.

Last but not least, the thing that really toots my teather. Old people. ALL old people. If you are over 79 you need to give up your license and buy a motorized scooter. Or find a hot young thang and make them drive. Because you suck. You’re fucking slow, you put on the right signal when your turning left, you mis-diagnose green lights as red and it’s an overall horror show whenever I spot your Oldsmobile down the block.  You had kids for a reason and that is to make you drive everywhere when you are old. Consider it payback for all the times you had to drive their lame asses to little league and pick them up wasted and vomiting from  Todd’s 15th birthday party.
Annoyance Factor: 10

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